What to do about my mother ...

[vikktor]

I like the responses you give to the other members , on my board I always give answers to interesting questions too .. but now i am in need of some advice.

Heres some background:

I was raised in the projects by a very controlling mother. Until I moved out at 22 I had no sense of free movement in my life. I was not allowed to go out (I only wanted to hand out with the other smart kids in the burbs, i hated the hood kids), I was not allowed to do after school activities, I was only allowed to go out for school or to run errands for her PERIOD!!!!

When I hit 19, i was tired, I was not allowed to get a job when i was in college but i said fuck it and tried anyway. I ended up not getting a damned thing, cause i guess the employers thought i was too old not to have any job experience, cause that was the main issue I guess. One day while running one of her errands i encountered a dude from the Marines .... he was talking and i ignored him .. he said the work "independence" and i was listening to him like he was jesus, i was desperate. I told my mom and she WENT NUTS .. I was a virgin and she called me a fagot .. i wanna suck dix .. why would i want to leave ... bla bla bla ....

I did delayed entry, but opted out when Bush was starting with IRAQ .. i was gung ho to do AFGANISTAN .. but i knew some bullshit was gonna go down cause IRAQ had nothing to do with 9-11 !!!! I also met my ex girl, my mom GAVE HER HELL!!!! But she stuck through with me regardless of my mother bitchiness!!!

At 22 (i had gotten a job as a programmer at a consulting firm near wall street after working for an e commerce company while in college) ... i move out, and later my ex girl comes with me ... my mom calls her and curses her out .. i call my mom and threaten to kill her .... (and i was at a point i really wanted to kill my mother). After that my mom learns to respect my ex girl .. cause she realized i ain't taking none of her shit.

HERES THE SHIT NOW :

The same year my youngest sis gets a settlement from a 10 year case. My mom uses the $$ to buy a home of which she cannot afford, she puts 60% of the settlement down and pays a mortgage of whats left over time. I ADVISED HEAVILY AGAINST IT AND TO LIVE IN A CHEAP APT FOR A YEAR WHILE DEVELOPING A BUSINESS TO PRODUCE INCOME!!! HER KEEPING ME IGNORANT OF THE WORLD BACKFIRED CAUSE IF I KNEW MORE AT THE TIME I WOULD HAVE NOT WORKED AND TRIED TO OPEN A DOMINOES PIZZA AT THIS SPOT IN STATEN ISLAND ... WHICH SOMEONE ELSE DID AND NOW MAKING MADDDD $$$$ !!!!!!!! I SUGGESTED THIS TO MY MOM ... SHE DID NOT LISTEN AND I WAS NOT KNOWLEDGEABLE ON HOW TO EVEN START DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT ANYWAY.

MY MOTHER HAS NO FUCKING JOB AND HAS NOT WORKED IN 26 YEARS!!!!

So I wonder how does she plan to pay off the home when the rest of the settlement runs out since only my dad was working, but he was making like 8 bucks and hour cause he quit his good job... mostly likely over some white bitch (my dad cheated on my mom with white women since i was like 9y/o, He probably only like my mom because she is half hispanic and lightskinned).

So lets shift into 4 months ago....

My dad hits my mom ... she calls me (dumb move .. and very ignorant .. but i already have MAD HATE for my pops so i am too emotional not to run there and try to fuck him up) and not the COPS ... my sister calls the COPS ... i come there after calling my cousin. I asked my cousin to come because i wanted to kill my father (seriously, i was going to kill him .. i was planning on taking a knife .. but if the police would have seen me with a knife i knew they would shoot me .... so i did not take it) My cousing drives me to my moms place ... i lunge at my dad .. my cousin holds me back ..... the police come .. .... i was taken outside. I threatened my dad to never return (still had not returned).

2 months later .....

My cousin plays a recording, .... he was speaking with my mom and she lays out the plan of which she was hoping would come to fruition, She was hoping that i would leave my apt, move into that house and pay the mortgage. She believe i OWE it to her for creating me LOL!!!! She says i abandoned her LIKE MY FATHER DID AFTER HE HIT HER AND SHE CALLED ME !!!!! I left AT FUCKING 22, I am 26 now .. and gonna be 27 in a few months WTF im almost 30!!!!

I confront her .. and SHE LIES ... like REALLY LIES ..... and then i tell her about the recording .. she hangs up ..calls me 2 days later and claims to have a mini heart attack :-/ ... I act like whatever because she always would use her ailments to have her way with my .. ...

NOW .. i love my mother but lately .. i have not spoken to her .. not care too

she called me to curse me out on several occasions, the woman does not know how to intelligently communicate. I just hang up ....

she put that house for sale, claims that i wanted her to sell the house because i am JEALOUS LOL ......

i responded "how can i be jealous, of a home that cannot be maintained ... logically how can you maintain that home .. thats y i wanted u to sell it ... "
she hung up :-/

and i feel bad for my sisters too ... because she is not leading them right ....
my moms older sister is a doctor, and she might end up living with her with my sisters.

since i have cut off my mom I HAVE A WONDEFUL LIVE .... i go out ... i work .. peace all the time ..... no DRAMA at all!!!!!!!

but alas she is my mother ... and i dont know how to continue with her at all at this point ... :-/

[MorpheusX]

Sorry it took me so long to respond. It's been really hectic and I didn't want to rush the answer, as your situation is complicated and required some serious consideration.

Vik, I am so sorry for you and your family.

It's clear your mother has serious emotional and psychological issues that she takes out on you and your siblings.
Quite possibly, she has an actual mental disorder, such as bipolar disorder or is schizo affective, though it's unlikely she has full blown schizophrenia.

Regardless, it's not your battle and it's not your mess to fix. Everyone is responsible for their own life. You were NOT born to sacrifice your life for her. You have a responsibility to your future children and the family that YOU will create and raise.

It's sad when we have families that are dysfunctional and that bring us so much pain.
But family can be and often is the greatest source of pain and frustration and anguish in our lives.

There's an old saying, "You can pick your fruit, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family."

But there's also another saying, "Friends are god's way of apologizing for your family."

You are right to ignore your mother. There is no rule that says that you are beholden to your parents, especially when they are self destructive and bent on destroying those around them.

As for your father, now, seeing what your mother is like and how she acts, can you perhaps understand how the way he responded to that behavior and living with it for so long was by cheating to punish her and then eventually the rage took over and he began to physically hit her?

I'm not excusing his behavior. I'm not even asking you to forgive him.

I'm just asking if you can understand how a man who CHOSE your mother as their mate, with all her personality faults, can wind up being so disappointed by who she turned out to be and how badly their personal interactions devolved into that the only way he knew how to express his anger, resentment and disappointment was to hurt her in whatever way he could?

Your father's relationship and history with your mother and the underlying dynamics of it are probably far different than whatever you perceive it to be.

But your father should avoid contact with your mother at all costs and so should you.

Your life is about YOU finding and making your way. It's about your joyful experience and survival.

You CANNOT HELP your mother because she does not want help. At least not yet.

If the day comes when she is finally ready for help, I mean REAL help, not help in doing whatever she wants to do but help in getting her life together for real, making amends with family and friends, cleaning up her path of destruction and listening to her children, THEN and only then should you even consider even dipping your little toe back into her life.

But until that far off day, it's better for you not to embitter your life and get pulled down into the abyss by your mother's vicious circle of self sabotage, blame and hatred.

As hurtful as this may sound, it's better for her to die without you even having said goodbye if it means that you can avoid poisoning your own precious life with the venom that blackened your mother's.

She gave birth to you, and in so doing, passed the burden of the torch to you. Now you must bring forth the next generation and teach them better than you learned.

Sometimes, you have to plant a new tree and cut the roots from the old sickly one in order to save the orchard.

[nextel595]

I've been waiting for this response for a while.

[vikktor]

I been thinking she is bipolar for a minute ....

but i feel u, i cannot let her be an active part of my life like that cause without her ... i dont have this negative energy glooming over me at all.

[MorpheusX]

Absolutely. Life is meant to be lived for your joy, not for others.

Everyone's life is theirs to use and experience. And this life experience is unique from any of the other ones you will have in future cycles, so make the most of it. :-)

[Big_Ro]

Great response Morph I read all of yours and his and I think it's a shame your mom acts like that but Morph pretty much cleared it all up with his great answer.

[webcrawler]

Gotta cosign with Morph here, because I lived the exact same thing, but I actually went into the military (during Persian Gulf). All I wanna add is it is highly unlikely your mother will change. Have never seen anyone change. All you can do is accept her for who she is and know when it's time to go about your business (being around her too long at a time is bad for both of you). I left home almost 20 years ago and have never gone back, and have become very successful with my wife, who my mother still hates, but that's just how it is. The only downside to not being around her and your fam is that yall won't ever have that close family "feeling." But you have to decide what you want, that feeling or a successful and happy life outside of the people you know and grew up with.